Welcome to another bit of a downer blog tonight. I suppose it's expected these days to provide a trigger warning, so this post will mention depression, self-harm and suicidal ideation I don't talk about it much because so many other people on this planet are going through far worse, but I have been diagnosed with PTSD, MST (I'll let you look this one up and no, it's not the time zone) depression and chronic insomnia. Some nights similar to this one are filled with memories on repeat that I just can't get out of my head. I get breathless, restless, put into a cold sweat and I can't sleep; having to hurry to find something, anything to distract me. It's worse when it's the dead of night and everyone else is sleeping or no one is around. I know I have trusted anchors in my life that are willing to just listen to my problems, but that's usually reserved for mental health professionals and my Conscious Compositions.
Thinking on yesterday's post, maybe I don't actually have friend decay, but some deeper trust issue. A constant, underlying fear that I cannot control; no matter if I've known someone for months or years that they'll put me through some sort of deserved Hell. Whenever I mention that my art shines the brightest when I'm in my darkest moments, I mean nights specifically like these. The ones where old wounds feel like they've been shredded open again. Speaking of wounds, I've thankfully stopped being self-destructive in terms of cutting. July 2025 was my last time since 2016 even thinking and even fully considering just erasing myself. Shame I didn't make it to ten full years, but that's a new goal post I have now; to keep going as long as I can. Thank you for letting me get this all out. I'm not sure when the next post will be, but I'm looking forward to a more cheerful one. I'm going to have water now.
Until we connect again, Kind Reader.