The Tail End of the Funny
Welcome back! Oh boy, this one is going to be a long one; I hope you're comfortable. So where did we leave off again? Oh right, yes! The Funny Raid! So, I gained a few regulars from the raid and mind you, they were pretty cool. In starts the comedy routine from me. I'd make attempts to be part of the clip farming videos, but I was still smallfry. No one's going to click on a video with someone they don't know on the thumbnail, right? There would be hit or miss days. Stuff I and the community enjoyed seeing, stuff we thought wasn't quite funny enough to be featured, but was still featured anyhow.
Just Who Am I?
This went on for a few months and then the community decided I was more of a tomboy than a girly girl. Okay. THE NAME CHANGE ARC STARTS. OH NO. In my infinite wisdom, I chose to rename myself TomboyVR. Okay, there's two positives and then an overwhelming stack of negatives. The positives? SomeGuyNamedBob and Xariod; my two best moderators and wonderful friends for life. The endless negatives? People on Twitch REALLY hate typing names and tend to shorten them to 4 or fewer letters. I keep getting called "Tom". My regulars can't find me reliably anymore. Other chat members wanted me to change back. I'd love to change back in 60 days! Oh, whoops! You aren't allowed your old name back for SIX MONTHS. I start having an identity crisis. The changes don't stop there. It's NekoKamiYumiko one day, the next, it's StardustPhantasm, then it's AlyCatastrophe and somehow we wind up back to AlyCatVR.
Giving Vtubing a Try
This is where I quit VRChat for a while. Moderators that weren't Bob or Xariod were getting strangely aggressive. One had decided to drag us all into a world and have us pass around a pillow like a talking stick?? Sir?? You're in your twenties, stop. Chopping block. Move on. Now the streamers were being clique-y! I wasn't cool enough to be around them! I even tried respectfully talking to a bigger creator during their community meet up like a normal person. Woefully ignored! Okay! I quit! I've had just about enough emotional abuse for one month.
I make a new account. Call myself NeonReset. Okay, dumb name. AkaruiNeon? Even dumber. RuikoVT! Okay, cool! Commission a model! (My advice? Never order from a studio for your first Vtuber model unless you're ABSOLUTELY certain they're reputable.) Communication was done through a third party. It was actually almost late for my debut. They had monthly "family group art" opportunities for different seasons and occasions. Okay, I want to be part of it because of my fear of missing out. I was the black sheep for some strange reason??? I didn't do (or at least to my knowledge ATTEMPT to) or say anything out of the ordinary. One of them had the audacity to make ME find reference poses because their "art program was broken". Sis, Microsoft Paint is free. GIMP is free. FIREALPACA IS FREE. Okay, Rui, take a breath.
More Drama? Who Would Have Guessed???
While waiting for the model, I decided to ask the others who had their models finished what the average wait time was because I couldn't get anything started without mine. One of them gave an honest answer of around 6 months to a year. Okay. DanielDogIRL said there were some strong delays for his as well but then got really defensive about his statement being used when I explicitly said no names would be involved despite him giving me consent initially. All right, I scrap the whole statement collection altogether. He then subtweets (makes a post about me without directly tagging or mentioning) about me on Twitter. Blocked. He used an alt to start MORE DRAMA. I complain to the third party communicator. I don't even think he was even punished after all of that. The coordinator admitted that he was constantly problematic towards a lot of people.
Suggestion channel comes in the Discord. I make a suggestion. The women were super condescending towards me now??? Print screen with a big ol' red circle to really be catty. Okay, I'm sorry I misunderstood the assignment, Becky! As the model was nearing completion, the model artist mocked the name changes I had gone through while waiting. Mind you, this is the FIRST TIME I ever spoke with them as I was forced to only ask for updates through the coordinator. Had enough red flags. I left the Discord, eventually left the Twitch team and moved on. Take another breath in. This is where life takes a hard turn.
Inner Conflict
I want to preface that my gender and sexuality are usually closed topics these days because I like to keep most of my personal life private. I will say this for the record and never bring it up again: I am a straight, cisgendered, monogamous female. Anyway, head's frazzled at this point. I'm easily influenced. I'm vulnerable. People in a different group I was part of convinced me that I was an "egg". The idea stuck with me for weeks. Months, even. "What if they're right?" is burned into my mind. Take a little more time to research, decide and let it stew. Okay, they're right. I have man envy. I don't just like them, I want to BE them. In comes the feint.
"AtriusVulpes". Voice changer. Desire for binders, top surgery, the scars of honor! Correct anyone who calls me "she" and prefer "they" if anyone refuses to call me a man! It was hard for others to accept this dramatic change, which was totally understandable looking back on this now. Many made the choice to stop supporting me altogether. I made a fool of myself in an interview. Mocked by the host and their chat. Looks like shame's back on the menu, boys! Months crawl by. I did a lot of reflection. I felt more comfortable with who I was. Who I AM. I don't correct people anymore. The people closest to me never stopped supporting me through all of this chaos. Atrius was no more.
I do want to mention that there's this strange and sick stigma specifically in the VRChat scene. Male to Female acceptance seems commonplace. However, Female to Male is met with vitriol. I never quite understood it, but I still see it happening these days. Man wears a female avatar and wants to be a cutesy femboy? Sure, go for it! Woman wants to wear a male avatar and use a voice changer? Ostracized. If you ever meet me in VRC, I won't meet you with the same malice. I'm an Ally, after all.
Final Thoughts
Before I wrap this up, whomever comes here to read this, I accept you even if no one else does. Everyone is going through something. This world is already filled to the brim with hate and evil. Let this be a place of love and kindness. The next post won't be as sour, this I promise you. Next time, let's talk about the last name changes, burnout and how I'm dealing with it more positively. Aly Cat(ch) ya later!
This is based on a true story.